“There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be their last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one more time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know” 

“There is a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we are meant to do”

I visited MR G, my long case study patient for the HCE module today. He was having his acupuncture session as usual. As it was during his OT session yesterday (I asked Mr G how it felt like having the electrodes on that the OT placed on his forearm, he answered it felt like a buzzing, when the OT piped up asking if I wanted to try. I was feeling wary, said so, to which she replied, stick out your hand and something along the lines of let’s have fun torturing the medical student), the acupuncturist offered to let me have a needle in the back of my right hand. I was feeling quite afraid, the needle was quite long though thin. But then Mr G had said earlier when I flinched while watching the acupuncturist put some in him that this might be my one and only chance, so I agreed. I barely felt anything though when it went in I must say. When the acupuncturist tapped the needle in, I expected a jab of pain. But nothing. I felt nothing. It was only when he advanced it further in that I felt a slight sort of odd sensation. Barely feel-able. I wonder if it actually works. Mr G sure is improving quite quickly, but is it due to the acupuncture or to his diligence at his rehab exercises I don’t know. But what I know, is that he doesn’t mind even if it doesn’t actually, just having them gives him hope. What a powerful word that is. Right up there with motivation. I hope he gets better and attends his son’s wedding. I’m trying really hard to convince him to go no matter what still though.

At the end I was telling him I had to go now because I had work in the afternoon. He looked absolutely shocked. He knows what my parents do for a living. He knows and I know that I’m from a relatively well to do family, otherwise I wouldn’t be where I am or going home at the end of the year. He says I should make use of my youth and not waste it. Go have fun was what he said. Don’t wait until I turn out like him. It left me feeling a little ... shaken? It was partially the thought that had been lingering in my mind all this while at the back of my mind. I desire that of course. What young adult doesn’t? Especially when I know what’s coming up for me after I graduate (I was not well informed of the outcomes of my choice almost 4 years ago, otherwise I would be an allied health professional instead). But I desire to have be semi-independent. Or at least create an illusion of such. I want to not be one of those snivelling babies who leech of their parents. I want to have the dignity of an adult. And it’s bad, but I want cash. I can do ok without it anyway, but having a bit more money to put away as savings and enabling me to be a bit of a spendthrift is really tempting. I’m not yet graduated, and I’ve a debt that seems massive to me. I will need a car by next year probably. I want to have my own apartment once I graduate. I’m not money oriented, but as I near graduation, these things become more real to me. But I remember that I haven’t been to walk in the gardens for ages. I haven’t been to see the talking chairs. I haven’t gone to the arts centre in a long time. Am I really wasting my youth?

I want to travel and see the world. I find stroke patients more interesting than fractures. I enjoy the time I’ve spent so far on the stroke ward (I’m such a traitor to my own ward). But deep deep deeeeeeep down a thought is emerging in me. What if I’m one of them. I’ll work till I retire at what? 65? That’s the age of some of those on the wards. Or lately like poor C’s brother. 17 and died from a MVA. How will I achieve my little dreams if I accidentally end up like that? I shall aim therefore, not to wait till I retire to do what I want. I hereby promise myself I will travel little by little in between, even if I have to do it on my own. I shall take the holidays that is due to me in future. Fingers crossed.

I can’t wait for the end of the year. I must pass that stupid Gen Med run. Stupid Dr J with all his perfectionism shan’t kick me down. I must get home this year. I shall give bola the knocks on his head that are due, mumiaks and nana will give me the kisses and hugs that I want, and the worm can return to be my minion in evil and greatness muahahaha.