Having finally finished my readings for the upcoming elective class this Friday, I confess I really don't really know what to make of them. The first paper was based on a study in Australia and was, or rather what I think it was, about how the hospice movement went from being focused on helping patients acheive a good death by providing symptom management such as pain relief, to that 'respect patient's autonomy thingy and so make sure you ask what they want and do it' thing so that they can have a good death, and finally to focusing on providing a 'good enough death' because some things the patient ask for you can't provide e.g. euthanasia. The second was what made me depressed for the larger part of this afternoon, about how the hospice was mainly a place for the sequestration of patients that were 'unbound'. Unbound as in where the bodies don't stay within their boundaries anymore, from leaking fluids uncontrollably to producing pungent and to put it mildly, 'unpleasant' smells.

Ok, I can see links between them. I have a very vague idea what the readings were supposed to convey to me, but vague wasn't good enough to translate into a reading log. But I did write out reading log for the latter, in which I detailed my ideas/ feelings that came out of reading it. I don't have a problem with that, except for the fact that those feelings weren't my real feelings. I don't really have any specific ideas about the hospice service that came about from reading it. All I felt was just a really profound sadness and a sense of disbelief and deep horror within me, that nothing could be done for the 'unbounded' patients to alleviate their pain, physically and also more importantly, emotionally.

I'm starting to wonder, despite all these stuff they are teaching us in SI, despite all our little trips up to various hospitals and what-nots, if they are actually all just a watered down, sanitised version of what things are actually like. All I've seen, is it all just an untrue version of how bad things can really get? I'm in denial. I don't want to believe what I've read in my readings, especially this second paper that I've gone through. I can't bring myself to believe that that 67 year old lady died in such terrible conditions. Even if we can't cure that cancer, even if we can't stop it spreading further, with all our advances, surely, surely we can at least do something to have preserve what last bit of dignity she had as a person... In my reading log I tried to be positive, saying that that last sentence wasn't true, that her choice of passing in a hospice gave her that last bit. After writing all that crap, I still haven't convinced myself. I don't think I'll convince anyone with that either.

I wanna cry T_T...