Despite what she said to make it sound like she didn't mean it at the end of little 'rant' that the student was supposed to paraphrase and summarise, one cannot help but wonder that it's probably what she did think. People, deep down, probably all are agreed on the fact that you are what you are because of what you did. But for the most part, when it comes to some things, we tend to disagree vehemently simply because we know we should, simply because it's PC-friendlier to do so, simply because to avoid the label of being someone who discriminates. But I think I've let myself down too much already. Knowing that drastic actions doesn't seem to work with me, I'll just try and take it slow and build up on it. That little bit of air, that little bit of flatness I crave, will it come?

Belle is down here for a four-day holiday. Wasn't planning to really go to the food fest that OMSA is having, but then since SL can't make it any other time, it just ended up we all agreeing to meet there then. I wonder if I should tell her that Hx can be said to be officially kaput? I wonder if I should instead hide the real truth? I wonder if I should just avoid that topic altogether? Or would I be spared having to think of which one to choose by her asking instead? Sigh. I think it's time to stop feeling guilty. Pssh, easier said than done. But the heck, I think I should start listening and stop being such an idealist. Surely I'm allowed to be lousy once in a while... Does it make it not anyone's fault anymore? Read the ambiguous 'it happens'.

On the same note, I wonder why I even bother worrying about trying for tops. Everything in this screwed up course is pass and fail anyway. If no ones else is gonna give a **** about it, I'm not going to anymore. But why the heck that guy with the bow tie must be so insistent about research? I'm not a frickin' research freak like you ok? I'm, for shit's sake, a med student, not some idiot who wanna look up and collate what other people have done! I signed up for this stupid course for a totally different reason! If I want to do proper research I'll do it properly, in a proper time span that would be more than a month. This certainly puts me off wanting to apply for summer research. Though I'll probably still check out the boards anyway. At least then I wouldn't feel as bad not doing the year off.

With it being so far into the year now, I think I should stop doing groceries unless really necessary, and I mean really really, otherwise I'm going to be in trouble like last year end. And once I've done with all that disgusting flesh freezing in my freezer, I think I might give going lacto-ovo a try. How long before that can even happen I've no idea, considering how much meat to how much I usually consume. Thinking of having to chop up the beef later also makes me wanna gag. I think I need to give it some soaking first actually. How could I forget that box of gloves from last year?!

Starting on my readings for the electives again. Doing the readings, they turn out more interesting than the seminars themselves. Unless when he plays videos of course. From the one he played yesterday, it seems that dying people just get by with goal-setting, by having aims and having something to look forward to and live for. None of the people portrayed have all those crazy last minute aspirations you hear of though, like climbing such-and-such mountain. My heart hurts when I watch something like this. Not because they are dying (I did love the cute old man they featured though), but rather how long it's taking. But I'm applying my own principles of what a good death means here, rather than their own. It's nice to have some time before the last light bulb dies so that one can have time to set one's things in order, but then having to face the pain for so long, having to watch your loved ones watch you die for so long, having to live with the uncertainty for so long... *typical control freak talking??*

Okay, maybe back to my first paragraph. Can one be blamed for one's features? I never asked for chink features, I never asked to be the gender that I am. Can it be my fault? But then again, why even worry when it's something one cannot change? Or can it now? Mr Jackson is no longer black. But then what does that say about oneself when one has to change one's features so drastically? I crave pan-asian features, but that doesn't mean I don't want my typical chink face either. I'd still rather be a boy (not so desperately now), but that doesn't mean I want to give up being female either to be something that only knows how to grunt when necessary either. I love my black hair, but I would love being a red-head. Does it mean that I'm demeaning myself when I try to change my features? What does it mean when I choose to dye my hair? What would it mean if I chose to have a nose job done had I not a straight nose? Does it mean I'm demeaning my parent's as well? Perhaps if I get really desperate one day then I shall not even worry about such things and just 'do it'??