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Having talked a little with some friends back from high school makes me wish for old times. What I have now, I think I would rather give up for those times, if it only were possible. Some of the best times of my life were back then. Even with all those ugly class division problems and all the hurt it entailed, back when we were as a group working on our little History projects, back when we even stayed up overnight working together. And back to being around people who I know and love dearly, even though the time spent together was sometimes too short, and sometimes even when it was with persons that didn't reciprocate. Back when my enthusiasm for my uniform body and music was what I needed to get me through hard times. Having read such thoughts on a contact's blog, it's a comfort knowing that I'm not the only one here feeling as such sometimes. Easy for one to say 'live for the future', but then life isn't as easy as tossing around words, humans were never rational beings to start with.

I wonder occasionally how different things would have been if I did things back then differently? Would I still be here if I hadn't insisted that I didn't want to study back home? Would I still go on to do Med if I had insisted on my childhood dreams? Would I feel and look different today if I had chosen to not change classes back in high school? Would I have different values today had I moved over to the island earlier? Is this where stories of parallel worlds like DWJ's came from?

Thinking back to yesterday, the whole group I was in was of the opinion that the paternalistic model was the equivalent of evil, and the covenant model was the ultimate good medical practice. But then is that true? Do we think that simply because of all the info and opinions of our lecturers have been drilling into us since last year? Is this a form of coercion? We might want to speak otherwise, but then knowing what others want and expect of us, we say exactly what they want to hear. Is that what happens when a doctor gives recommendations to patients? Am I leading a coerced life? Having gone to the traditional Chinese-medium school meant that from young, age old 'Asian'/ 'Confucian' thoughts and values were pounded into my little ignorant head. Not that it's all that bad I guess, but then again I wonder how I might be like now if I had chosen to rebel and do things differently.

Why do I constantly worry about things that I needn't worry about? Simply because I want to be free and be independent, simply because I don't want to rely on others and be the little child any more. But somehow, in the mist of all that, I've bound myself down in some other ways. Can a person never be truly free? Am I knowingly going to throw myself into a future where I shall always be caged? Do I want that? I've asked that many times over, but I cannot give myself an answer. But I've gone so far now, dare I turn back? Wouldn't that just be wasting my efforts?.... But isn't that idea simply reflecting one of those little dusty proverbs that I learnt as a child? Had I learned otherwise, would I still have uttered that little question then?

And all my elective has done isn't to actually make me contemplate death or it's issues, a little perhaps, but more to think back on the ideas of symbolism. As I had posted sometime before, the word dirty is just a symbol. A word-symbol if you please, of states or things that we do not approve of. What does that make clean then? And a couple more other words which I shan't post here for fear of offending. I don't believe in an afterlife as in the conventional sense, but I do in immortality. Literally they might not make sense. But they do, if one knows that I never meant them literally anyway. But would others even realise it in the first place unless I told them?

Who can I trust? Who do I want to trust? Can one have a relationship of any kind without trust? Perhaps this is a leading question. But then against what I think and know in my head, I do. And it's a thing I've done many times over as well. And when I do, and think about it, I kick myself. And go back to doing the same thing. Smart.

Why am I even talking nonsense here I don't know...