The Eagle Nebula taken by Hubble

Nothing much today. Spent the greater part of the morning continuing my packing. Most of the furniture is now moved down into the lounge at last. Minus C's desk and my bed and base. Which I plan to get down tomorrow. Did I mention that I plan to skip sleep tomorrow night as well? I'm still not sure about that but then I can't really be bothered to go to bed, not when I know I probably wouldn't be able to sleep much anyway. How can I? When I'm about to get home soon? But then busy days in Chch awaits me. For one thing I'll need to ask about Parrotsai's registration. Hopefully that one will go without a hitch. And I shall be able to pay a visit to that Ricc library. Last time I saw it, it was just nothing more than level ground with bits of wood here and there marking the start of the work. Thinking about it makes me miss Chch a lot. I miss Hagley Park, the Arts Centre, the Art gallery, the Square, the library, the Gardens... too bad the Czech pancake lady isn't there anymore. *shrug* Nothing's permanent I guess, and this is just more proof of that. Not that I need it anyway, I can see some flowers here and there starting to wilt already...

Should I carry my tape back home? I'm still debating the wisdom of doing that. On one hand, I want my parents to look at my (dubious) 'acheivements'. But then again, how long can a tape last in the humid heat? I don't want it to get mouldy either. But keeping it here... is there any point to it?

And I'm surprised at the lack of negative reaction from mum yesterday. Normally when the topic of me classifying myself as an atheist comes up, it's either a reaction of denial on mum's part, or a scolding along with the comment that I'm an egoistic bighead. Well, it's a welcome change for one. I guess mum realises at last that I am matured enough to figure out on my own what I believe (or don't believe) in. LOL!

My posters would have to start coming down soon too. Of them all, my faves are the one with the quote "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance" (Oscar Wilde) and the "Love worth celebrating" one with the definition of Queer on it. "Queer is a word that describes both sexual and gender diversity" along with a short list of what comes under that heading of Queer. I wonder though, is it even possible to be TOTALLY straight or even gay? I tend to think that it's more of a (un?)even distribution, a continuum on the straight/gay-ness scale. I'm not one to go into details here, but with the double standards and the discrimination that's rife in most societies, I doubt if many of the so-called straights would even admit to themselves if they had the occasional slight feelings for that of the same sex...

And it's funny how easily my mood is affected by many things. Weather and music to name a few. Is C right when she said I'm too sensitive? I hate to think I'm one of those 'touchy' ones, but then my acting the Inquisition today could actually be taken that way? Ugh... I wonder if anyone feels like that? I know partly what drives it... at times at least... my insecurities. I don't know why I always feel like I'm never good enough for myself. Personally I'm not the one to care about what other people expect of me, but it's my own expectations of myself that always ends up making me disappointed in myself. As I was saying just yesterday, it doesn't matter what others think about how I'm like, it's what I feel about myself that matters most. Because in the end, it's not them that's stuck with this body, this mind, this attitude and whatever else. Because the only one that's going to be like me, is me and only me alone. Therefore my expectations of myself should come first and foremost. Pleasing the strict master that I am would then make me happy. But that's where the problem comes in. I am strict with myself. True, I've already cut myself some slack in the last few years. But then whenever I compare myself with what I was before, in my eyes, I have slipped even further away from being perfect... which is odd. I'm going the opposite way most people are going. Perhaps my ego is starting to shrink at last? So it'll fit in the potty now perhaps? But then, it's this race with myself inside me that's starting to tire me out. I know that what mum said is true, there's no such thing as being perfect. No one can be perfect. Sure, but then does that mean we shouldn't strive for perfection then? Are we to use it as justification, that it's not possible, to just let ourselves sink into the mud? I can't for one. Not even if Nana-nut talks to me until he's blue in the face, not even if electrotherapy or lobotomy is forced on me. To reach that ultimate pinnacle is my dream. I can be happy climbing up. Just that I get tired at times. But with a little rest, then the climbing can continue. We are allowed to dream after all.

Darn, I've let myself go on a rambling spree again! Yes, I wonder if I do prattle on too much at times... but then when the listener chooses to not take up the role of speaker, what can one do but prattle on? Better to prattle than face uncomfortable silences... the latter has got to be the worst of all... there I go again. I better stop before someone dies while reading this... HAHAH!